In a polarized world where dating can often create cynicism and a victim mentality, Chris Bates, founder of The Dating Edge community, approaches it in a unique way. Rather than offering gimmicks, manipulation, or pickup tactics, he invites men to take the long view: to stop chasing external validation and start building a life that naturally attracts high-quality partners.
In his debut self-help book, The Dating Edge, self-published with the help of selfpublishing.com’s Author Advantage Accelerator Elite Program, Chris breaks down the 13 principles of this dating method.
We sat down to talk about those principles, the process, and what’s next for him. Let’s get into it.
Book Title: The Dating Edge: 13 Principles to Stop Wasting Time & Find the Right Woman
Genre: Self Help, Dating & Relationships
Website: www.batesdates.com
What inspired you to write The Dating Edge?
In a time where everything seems polarized, I wanted to share my experiences of divorce, modern dating apps, modern dating in general, 80 first dates, and the internal wars waged within myself to let people know that what they’re going through is not unique to them. They are not alone.
I hope that The Dating Edge will encourage men to give themselves grace, avoid cynicism in dating and relationships, and leave the victim mentality in the dust. Instead, choose to use dating as a unique path of personal growth that yields the greatest reward: stepping into the man you’ve always wanted to be and finding the right woman along the way.
Why was now the right time for you to write the book?
Three years ago when I was doing something different entirely, my friends kept asking me for dating advice. I had these 13 principles from stumbling through the dating world blindly post-divorce. They worked well for my friends.
One day at coffee, two friends asked, “Why haven’t you written these down?” I thought that was a good idea, as modern dating seems like “us vs. them” instead of “us vs. the problem”. I thought a great call to action would be to encourage men to step up. I wrote the principles down for the first time after they lived exclusively in my head, then that led to an outline explaining them. One of my friends said “You should write a book.”
After that, I booked a 48-hour stay at a shipping container AirBnB in the middle of nowhere, barely ate or slept, and over those 2 days my rough draft was born. It was unrefined, opinionated, and dubious; but the bones of what would end up being a 3-year project I am immensely proud of were quite sturdy in that draft.
Who absolutely must read your book?
At first, I thought it would be just for single men. After three rounds of test readers, though, I’ve found both women and men (in and out of relationships) have found the book valuable. Who absolutely must read it, then? Anyone who is or has been in a relationship and sees the value in them. Anyone who desires a relationship that meets their wildest dreams.
What are some of the key takeaways readers will walk away with?
- Everything is a long-term investment, and that is a good thing. No effort, time, money, or ounce of integrity will be wasted. Everything hard, awkward, or trying will yield dividends.
- We cannot change the modern world or the circumstances surrounding dating. However, we can affect ourselves and those we interact with. Ironically, this can impact the dating world in a big way.
- Things in the dating world translate to careers, friendships, and the relationship with ourselves. This avenue to growth is unique and beneficial as well as relevant to all paths in life.
Tell us a bit about the writing process.
To be honest, I didn’t have much of a creative process. I basically ripped the rough draft right out of my arse in 48 hours. I was determined to tell TRUE stories and not over-embellish. I knew, for them to be impactful, I would need to be honest, transparent, tactful, and take an immense amount of responsibility—not only in my writing, but in the stories I was sharing.
There are many experts, studies, and books on the dating world that analyze probability, psychology, and dynamics. I didn’t need to offer any more of that to the world. The world needed stories, motivation, and encouragement; an antidote to cynicism and an ever-degrading hope.
What was the hardest part about turning your experiences into a book?
Being a personal brand and sharing stories I am not particularly proud of. And, in general, being a solopreneur—trying to figure out who to write a book for the first time while being my own bookkeeper, social media manager, personal assistant, coach, ops, marketer, and more all at the same time while struggling to make financial ends meet. I almost gave up and threw the manuscript in the trash at least a dozen times over these 3 years, 20 drafts, 3 rounds of test-readers, 3 editors, and going through my own breakup.
It’s always been a pipe-dream to be an author. I never thought I would have something worthy of sharing or would have the tenacity to carry the baton from the draft to a full, bonafide, published book. I could not have done it without friends, family, clients, supporters, and SelfPublishing. I hope that 900+ hours of stumbling forward, learning by doing, and my objective to write as a form of service pays off for every individual who reads the book. I am humbled to have my work available to those who choose to read it.
What’s next with the book and your business?
I hope to use the book as a key to open doors for more speaking. I absolutely love speaking on podcasts. Live Q&As with an audience with good questions is one of my favorite things! Something about adding value and improvising doing so is truly a natural talent and wonderful interest of mine. I hope the book will draw men who need additional support to my community of like-minded, high-integrity men; inadvertently, fighting the male loneliness epidemic. If the book does well, I’d like to consider writing another in the future.
More about Chris Bates:
Chris Bates is the founder of The Dating Edge community and the YouTube channel DateSmarterNotHarder, where he helps men build the life, relationships, and health they’re proud of without sacrificing joy, curiosity, or integrity along the way.
Before coaching, Chris helped lead health transformations for thousands of men as the Lead Health Coach under Dr. Paul Saladino at Heart & Soil. But after walking through divorce, he realized physical health was only part of the equation. In two seasons of singleness, Chris went on nearly 80 first dates over 12 months, not for bragging rights but to figure out what makes modern relationships work in a world full of mixed signals. That journey turned into The Dating Edge: 13 Principles to Stop Wasting Time & Find the Right Woman, a book built for guys who want to date with purpose, confidence, and honesty.
Today, he coaches men worldwide through his private community and 1:1 mentorship, helping them optimize dating, relationships, leadership, health, and the balance of a fulfilling life. His mission is simple: help men become radically self-led, lead with integrity in relationships, and stop settling for less than they’re capable of in life and love.
Outside of coaching, you can find him hiking trails with his dogs, making bad puns with good friends, losing at Dutch Blitz or Settlers of Catan, basking in the sun, or listening to live music or catching live comedy somewhere in Austin. He’s spoken at international conferences and niche events, been featured on over 40 podcasts, and he’s just getting started.
Connect with Chris online www.batesdates.com.
Has Chris’s story inspired you to share your own? Learn more about the book writing support, editing services, book coaching, and more she received as a part of the Author Advantage Accelerator Elite Program? Schedule a consultation today or take the quiz above to find the right program for you and your book!
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